Wednesday, May 28, 2008

David Caruso - Gabriele Huber Seeks Stalker Trainees

With the summer hiring season in full swing, Gabriele Huber, David Caruso's fugitive Austrian stalker, is seeking trainees for her Stalker Intern Program. Faced with jail time for stalking and threatening to murder David Caruso, Huber is also actively conducting an in-house search for her own replacement to insure coverage of her vast Internet and blog hi-jacking operations when she is ultimately incarcerated.

Currently assisting on IMDb with stalker operations are two of Huber's deputy directors, "Lonewolfbenji" and "Sargent465". These CEO wannabes have been in-training for several months now and stand poised to take over Huber's functions at a moment's notice. Insiders speculate however that a battle may be brewing on IMDb over who will actually assume Huber's day-to-day functions as interim CEO. Both "Lonewolfbenji" and "Sargent465" are IMDb veterans with steadfast loyalty to Gabriele Huber and her on-going Caruso hate campaign. Once the deputy director positions become open, it is expected that Huber will seek to fill those vacancies from the pool of summer interns. The deputy director not chosen to succeed Huber will in all likelihood be "promoted" to coverage of Vipix's operations.

Huber has retained several search firms including the venerable Stalkers For Hire International, Inc. to conduct an all out quest for prospective candidates. What sets this firm apart from others is its deep well of applicants possessing absolutely no education. Stalkers For Hire International, Inc. has posted the following job description for anyone interested in applying for an internship:
Professional liars with little or no education are sought to conduct on-line arguments in the furtherance of Gabriele Huber's Hate David Caruso war. Lack of knowledge of the English language and the inability to construct a logical, coherent argument are essential for this position. Writing and grammar skills are desired but unnecessary. Experience in rumor fabrication with a heavy emphasis on marketing is a must. Previous fact-checking experience is not required. Candidates previously diagnosed as psychotics with severe personality disorder will receive consideration over those without such diagnosis.

All candidates must own a computer, preferably a laptop, with ISP access to multiple proxy servers. Expertise in subterfuge, location deception and the ability to create multiple aliases are essential for success at this level. Candidates must be proficient in telecommunications theft and unauthorized network access. Candidates for internships will be expected to be on-call 24/7 to scour all Internet sources for any mention of the words "David Caruso." A comprehensive benefits package including health insurance, vacation and generous stock options is NOT being offered. No background checks will be conducted. Salary: None.
Gabriele Huber remains at large wanted for threatening to murder David Caruso. She is armed and considered to be extremely dangerous. Do not attempt to apprehend this woman. Contact your local FBI or Austria's Bundeskriminalamt at +43-(0)1-531 26-0.

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Schnitzer's Death Threat

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